I remember paradise
and I remember the snake.
I remember
hues of blue water
and pink and purple sky
that burned to orange
before its fuse dwindled down
to explode in a million
brilliant constellations.
I remember you
and I remember every day
before,
and every day after.
I remember sitting with you,
staring at the moon
and wondering
if the next bite
would reveal its secrets.
But the secrets
stayed up there,
far away.
We didn’t understand
the cosmic mysteries,
or open doors of perception,
previously closed.
We didn’t gain
power over the cellular,
or the quantum,
or the atom.
No,
that would come much later.
Instead,
as the night wore on,
it grew dark,
as if the stars had dimmed,
and the moon had been covered.
The temperature
coming off the water
fell,
and I could feel myself
descending.
Imperceptibly at first,
then,
like a feather
in a rainstorm,
faster, and faster.
I looked up at you
and saw
a wild look in your eye
that I did not recognize,
but I knew,
by the pallor of your skin,
your heart was thundering
in your chest
just like mine.
Suddenly,
we were in total darkness.
The feeling
of being an unfathomable distance
from anything
familiar in the world
was excruciating.
I couldn’t see you,
couldn’t feel you,
couldn’t hear you,
but I was terribly aware
of the vastness
of the darkness
that I now occupied.
Cold and alone,
for the first time in my life,
was also the first time
that I knew fear.
Paradise was lost,
and you with it.
I began to feel,
somewhat less anxious
and when I breathed in,
I became aware
of something in the dark
with me.
A presence I had never known;
malevolent,
and hungry.
I could not hide,
I could not run
and it was then,
I first experienced despair.
Fear enveloped my being,
because in my soul,
I knew that this darkness,
this emptiness
and this presence
were one and the same.
The entirety of uncreation,
the absence of love,
and hope, and care, and order.
Immediately I feared for you.
Strength and courage,
these were also new.
A spark inside that lit a fire
in the darkness,
and I finally found my lungs
to scream.
In an instant,
brilliant light shone,
and I beheld
the vast form and eminence
of the horror
that lived in the dark.
It turned to me
and it took in my soul,
my mind,
my heart,
and my life.
I screamed,
as if my flesh
were being pulled from my bones
in strips and ribbons.
I was broken down,
piece by piece,
cell by cell,
atom by atom,
until I ceased to exist.
Consciousness left.
A new darkness.
After a time,
I heard the sound
of wind and waves,
and rain
fell upon my naked form.
I opened my eyes
and tried to move,
and was surprised to find I could.
Standing up,
I walked unsteadily down the beach
in search of you.
I found you,
hiding under a fallen palm,
shaking and terrified,
and wrapped
in the carefully tanned hide
of a young deer.
I made to speak,
but you looked at me,
and the fierceness of your gaze
silenced me.
I shivered in the cold
and without a word,
you handed me
an animal skin,
like the one you wore.
I didn’t ask why,
or how.
I knew.
I knew a lot of things, now.
Huddling in beside you,
we sat
and shivered together,
as we stared off
across the grey waters,
waves roaring in
under an angry sky.
Silently,
mournfully,
we looked out on a world
we no longer recognized.
The promise had been true.
We knew the world now,
and it knew us.
Naked,
weak,
and vulnerable.
No comfort,
no love,
just fear
in a lost paradise.
HG – 2022
