Trigger Pull


There’s rain in the leaves

and I can’t believe

I let you get

this close to me again.

It beats upon the roof

and I’m left with the truth

of all this hurt

and all this shame.

Feel a memory

of your shaking hands

upon me.

Fear exposes all the weakness

in us.

You reach around

to grip me,

and I let you

put your finger

on my trigger,

and I’m not in control of what’s next.

Crepp along my mind,

like a millipede.

Your thousands of legs

tickle me,

inducing laughter,

inducing tears.

Once I allow you in,

the change in my countenance

is obvious to anyone watching.

Thumb scroll,

like a junkie pushing,

looking for that sweet rush,

but I’ve become so

dopamine numb,

from always feeling

a finger on my trigger.

Ground down

and rubbed raw.

An exposed nerve,

or a burned circuit.

Every time I let you in,

I fall again

into this egregious cycle.

Smiley face.

Thumbs up.

Don’t really give a fuck,

but the deep programming

replaces love.

Point a click.

Instant hit.

That finger pulls

and doesn’t seem to miss.

I never should have let you in,

but I know I will again.

I crave only one thing, now;

a good trigger pull.



DJR – 2023

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