There’s rain in the leaves
and I can’t believe
I let you get
this close to me again.
It beats upon the roof
and I’m left with the truth
of all this hurt
and all this shame.
Feel a memory
of your shaking hands
upon me.
Fear exposes all the weakness
in us.
You reach around
to grip me,
and I let you
put your finger
on my trigger,
and I’m not in control of what’s next.
Crepp along my mind,
like a millipede.
Your thousands of legs
tickle me,
inducing laughter,
inducing tears.
Once I allow you in,
the change in my countenance
is obvious to anyone watching.
Thumb scroll,
like a junkie pushing,
looking for that sweet rush,
but I’ve become so
dopamine numb,
from always feeling
a finger on my trigger.
Ground down
and rubbed raw.
An exposed nerve,
or a burned circuit.
Every time I let you in,
I fall again
into this egregious cycle.
Smiley face.
Thumbs up.
Don’t really give a fuck,
but the deep programming
replaces love.
Point a click.
Instant hit.
That finger pulls
and doesn’t seem to miss.
I never should have let you in,
but I know I will again.
I crave only one thing, now;
a good trigger pull.
DJR – 2023
