Amalgam

I’m trying to remember a time

when I was not afraid,

but all I have

are memories of terror

and this thing I’m going through

isn’t any different.

I’m just older

and know how to scale my fear,

so I can continue on.

 

I am not only afraid,

I am terrified.

Sometimes

wildly out of my mind,

but I have always

managed to hold the line,

stay on this side

and find a reason

to stand up one more time.

 

I’m trying to remember a time

when I was not in pain,

but all I have

are aching joints,

and scares outside

and inside

I can’t even imagine.

It’s enough to make me

lose my mind.

 

Living in the ebb and flow

of opiates

and blinding agony.

Drifting in and out

of this reality.

I wonder out loud sometimes,

how I could even stand

one more day like this?

 

I wake up in the morning

and get dressed,

not always so depressed,

but not going to rest

until I’m done.

Somehow,

through the pain and terror,

I still have a memory

of seeing something beautiful once.

 

One time,

and I might have imagined it,

but it seemed so real.

If there

is a possibility

that beauty exists,

then I think that will be enough,

just might be enough

for me.

 

HG – 2019