Letting You In

Trying to keep

you at arm’s length

where I can see you,

in striking distance.

I can’t afford

another blindside.

I’ve been rocked on my feet

too many times.

 

Wish I could trust you.

How much I know you?

You’ve been my savior,

you’ve been my friend,

still I engage you

like an adversary.

It’s not you,

it’s me;

it’s definitely me.

 

If I let you in

past my guard,

I will be vulnerable

and unable to defend,

but I guess

that’s the only way

to be truly grateful.

I open my

soft insides

praying I

don’t feel a knife.

I was betrayed

a few rough times,

but so were you

and you survived.

 

I can’t throw caution

to the wind,

but I can make

the line so thin,

you’ll never know

you’ve crossed again,

now a lover

from a friend.

 

Then I’ll lock up

and I’ll shut down.

Won’t respond

when you’re around.

Locked up tight,

deny, confound,

keeping safe

my heart out loud.

 

But know that what I showed you

was true and it was real.

My heart and squishy insides

and you didn’t try to steal

my heart, or my most precious

things I keep inside.

I’m just not that kind

that stays open all the time.

 

Just know that I am grateful.

Know that I need you

to know you are an angel,

heralding the new.

The past is dead and severed,

the grave is coming, too.

I need you to know these moments

are eternity to me

and you.

 

HG – 2018

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