Trying to keep
you at arm’s length
where I can see you,
in striking distance.
I can’t afford
another blindside.
I’ve been rocked on my feet
too many times.
Wish I could trust you.
How much I know you?
You’ve been my savior,
you’ve been my friend,
still I engage you
like an adversary.
It’s not you,
it’s me;
it’s definitely me.
If I let you in
past my guard,
I will be vulnerable
and unable to defend,
but I guess
that’s the only way
to be truly grateful.
I open my
soft insides
praying I
don’t feel a knife.
I was betrayed
a few rough times,
but so were you
and you survived.
I can’t throw caution
to the wind,
but I can make
the line so thin,
you’ll never know
you’ve crossed again,
now a lover
from a friend.
Then I’ll lock up
and I’ll shut down.
Won’t respond
when you’re around.
Locked up tight,
deny, confound,
keeping safe
my heart out loud.
But know that what I showed you
was true and it was real.
My heart and squishy insides
and you didn’t try to steal
my heart, or my most precious
things I keep inside.
I’m just not that kind
that stays open all the time.
Just know that I am grateful.
Know that I need you
to know you are an angel,
heralding the new.
The past is dead and severed,
the grave is coming, too.
I need you to know these moments
are eternity to me
and you.
HG – 2018
