There were days
when my eyes would not adjust
to your brilliance.
I hid them behind designer sunglasses
and did my best to avoid your gaze.
You stood a full head taller
that everyone at every party.
you loved to be loved,
loved to be feared
and you certainly didn’t mind
being hated.
You could walk in
pretty much anywhere
and catch the eyes
of the well-to-do;
the entrepreneur
and the actress,
the playboy
and the politician.
There was always a grace about you.
A certainty,
that some called arrogance.
I knew that driving desire well,
I felt its heat,
it’s fire,
it’s fury
and the cold, dead hollow
of its absence.
You claimed the day was coming,
maybe spring,
maybe summer.
We travelled by train to New York,
but as always,
I fixated on the window and I knew,
as I watched the scenery fly by,
that we wouldn’t leave the city
together.
One of us was going to die.
Your event schedule was full.
The nights were gala affairs
and cocktail parties
and gallery openings.
The finer things in life
never dulled your luminescence;
instead they reflected
and multiplied your fire
until you burned
like a morning star.
Always a wise word,
or a witty quip
to send the beautiful people
into peals of laughter,
or a patient ear,
sought out by the affluent
and afflicted.
We left each night
and my eyes dwelled
along the cityscape;
the streets,
the cars,
the hum of a living city;
one whose concrete skin
would know your blood.
I tried my best
to remember my First Aid training.
Bandaging a compound fracture,
immobilizing the neck and spine.
I called for help,
dialled 9-1-1,
screamed for someone,
anyone to come
and put this perfect creature
back together.
They came with lights
and sirens blaring,
so loud,
so long to wait.
They told me you died
in the ambulance,
succumbing to your injuries.
I was talking to the police,
but I wasn’t there at all,
I was injured,
mind in traction,
shocked by the speed
and the violence
and the devastating calm afterwards.
My heartbeats echoed.
My hands shoot horribly.
I couldn’t even feel the cold
of the steel
as they handcuffed me
and put me in a car.
I heard someone say I pushed you.
I thought you fell.
No one really knows,
because my eyes were always closed
when we were alone.
I couldn’t bear to look
at the monster you’d become.
That brilliant terrible.
Nightmare in a tailored suit.
You shone like a star,
like a fallen angel,
devil on my shoulder.
Now my eyes are free
to see the light again.
HG -2018
